My explanation for my last post. *First I didn't realize people were such big internet stalkers as I am - I wasn't expecting the comments for a couple of days or something like that.*
Writing here as always been therapeutic. I know I am not the most amazing writer but I don't think it matters much if I am trying to get rid of the random thoughts that just seem to fill up my head. It seems to just bring a bit of closure to any sort of situation that I have gone through.
I am a person who knows what my next step will be. I think I have been like this for a very long time. Even when I was younger my parents would ask me about switching schools. After a few days I would sit down and talk to them about a decision. I knew I wanted to play piano - so I asked for lessons. I knew I needed to switch high schools because the one I was at was slowly going down the toilet. I knew I wanted to go to college - I didn't let anyone read my application essay - I got in everywhere I had wanted to. I wanted to run - I knew when it was time to stop running competitively. I just seemed to see the next step. It was all just so natural.
Right now I am not that person. I am staring over the edge of the "infinite abyss" (I love Garden State), and I see no steps. No actions to take. I am lost. After about a month of simmering with the thought - I have decided to try to end my program here at a Masters. Why - when I can most surely stick around to get the doctorate? The most obvious is that I can not and do not want to be living a life for the next year or so filled with back and forth plane flights to see Andrew. It hurts. I am living less than that right now and I feel pain all the time. But what I feel that maybe even trumps that - is the simple fact that I lack any and all curiosity in math. Something has beaten it out of me. You can not be in a environment like this and expect to do well without some sort of inquisitiveness about the subject. Right now I seem to be holding it together from sheer will to not have wasted all of this time. I refuse to walk away from this situation not having accomplished anything.
But this is not the only thing. You might say *as I say to myself quite often* - but you have so many things to look forward to. Now you will have a master's and you have this wedding to plan. Big huge steps right? Yes, in a sense, but I still feel like I am lacking that next step. Maybe if I say it like - I love the fact that Andrew and I have decided to "take the plunge" - but I am trying very hard to not let that be the only way I define myself. I need a step that is mine. I have pondered maybe applying for a physics, or mathematical sciences program - but I stop myself. I would not want to lose that curiosity as well - nor do I think I can deal with another round of graduate school stress. I thought about possibly riding out the time in El Paso by getting teacher certification (high school physics and math?). But I am not sure. I don't really know what other sort of job I would hold. Mind you I need a job. Andrew has said on several occasions that it would be okay - if I didn't want to work for a while. It's a great gesture and I really appreciate it - but I need something to occupy my time. Sitting at home with no work on the weekend is great - but everyday I might just go insane.
So I think that was it. I probably should have just waited to write this entry and not written the one before - but I needed a tiny little outlet.
Life steps for the moment: Make it through this semester unscathed. Get to see Andy over winter break. Spend spring semester working on thesis and wedding. Get married. Move to El Paso? Then who knows what - I don't want to stay lost for long because then my anxieties about money will start kicking in and that...that my friends will be bad.
I have been meaning to write an entry lately. I just have not been able to bring myself to fleshing out the details. If I write all of this out - then it seems final, no more debating or wavering. I know I need to be firm. I need to put my foot down. Right now I don't have the stomach to do it. Maybe this weekend I will fill-in the blanks here. And then, then it will really be happening.
A brief interlude
:::::Semi-happy dance:::::
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
Issue(s)
1. Teaching a class and taking classes has become a major pain in my behind. For some crazy reason I can not find enough "bouncy-happy" math enthusiasm to make it through my morning teaching and be semi-interested in my classes. My classes are interesting - don't get me wrong - but after 5 minutes in I am bored out of my mind and am desperately trying to keep my attention focused. And it isn't like there is super amounts of work - I just thought maybe after my quals life would get a bit easier - but the problem sets just seem sooo out there.
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
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