1. Teaching a class and taking classes has become a major pain in my behind. For some crazy reason I can not find enough "bouncy-happy" math enthusiasm to make it through my morning teaching and be semi-interested in my classes. My classes are interesting - don't get me wrong - but after 5 minutes in I am bored out of my mind and am desperately trying to keep my attention focused. And it isn't like there is super amounts of work - I just thought maybe after my quals life would get a bit easier - but the problem sets just seem sooo out there.
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
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