Lost

My explanation for my last post. *First I didn't realize people were such big internet stalkers as I am - I wasn't expecting the comments for a couple of days or something like that.*

Writing here as always been therapeutic. I know I am not the most amazing writer but I don't think it matters much if I am trying to get rid of the random thoughts that just seem to fill up my head. It seems to just bring a bit of closure to any sort of situation that I have gone through.

I am a person who knows what my next step will be. I think I have been like this for a very long time. Even when I was younger my parents would ask me about switching schools. After a few days I would sit down and talk to them about a decision. I knew I wanted to play piano - so I asked for lessons. I knew I needed to switch high schools because the one I was at was slowly going down the toilet. I knew I wanted to go to college - I didn't let anyone read my application essay - I got in everywhere I had wanted to. I wanted to run - I knew when it was time to stop running competitively. I just seemed to see the next step. It was all just so natural.

Right now I am not that person. I am staring over the edge of the "infinite abyss" (I love Garden State), and I see no steps. No actions to take. I am lost. After about a month of simmering with the thought - I have decided to try to end my program here at a Masters. Why - when I can most surely stick around to get the doctorate? The most obvious is that I can not and do not want to be living a life for the next year or so filled with back and forth plane flights to see Andrew. It hurts. I am living less than that right now and I feel pain all the time. But what I feel that maybe even trumps that - is the simple fact that I lack any and all curiosity in math. Something has beaten it out of me. You can not be in a environment like this and expect to do well without some sort of inquisitiveness about the subject. Right now I seem to be holding it together from sheer will to not have wasted all of this time. I refuse to walk away from this situation not having accomplished anything.

But this is not the only thing. You might say *as I say to myself quite often* - but you have so many things to look forward to. Now you will have a master's and you have this wedding to plan. Big huge steps right? Yes, in a sense, but I still feel like I am lacking that next step. Maybe if I say it like - I love the fact that Andrew and I have decided to "take the plunge" - but I am trying very hard to not let that be the only way I define myself. I need a step that is mine. I have pondered maybe applying for a physics, or mathematical sciences program - but I stop myself. I would not want to lose that curiosity as well - nor do I think I can deal with another round of graduate school stress. I thought about possibly riding out the time in El Paso by getting teacher certification (high school physics and math?). But I am not sure. I don't really know what other sort of job I would hold. Mind you I need a job. Andrew has said on several occasions that it would be okay - if I didn't want to work for a while. It's a great gesture and I really appreciate it - but I need something to occupy my time. Sitting at home with no work on the weekend is great - but everyday I might just go insane.

So I think that was it. I probably should have just waited to write this entry and not written the one before - but I needed a tiny little outlet.

Life steps for the moment: Make it through this semester unscathed. Get to see Andy over winter break. Spend spring semester working on thesis and wedding. Get married. Move to El Paso? Then who knows what - I don't want to stay lost for long because then my anxieties about money will start kicking in and that...that my friends will be bad.