My explanation for my last post. *First I didn't realize people were such big internet stalkers as I am - I wasn't expecting the comments for a couple of days or something like that.*
Writing here as always been therapeutic. I know I am not the most amazing writer but I don't think it matters much if I am trying to get rid of the random thoughts that just seem to fill up my head. It seems to just bring a bit of closure to any sort of situation that I have gone through.
I am a person who knows what my next step will be. I think I have been like this for a very long time. Even when I was younger my parents would ask me about switching schools. After a few days I would sit down and talk to them about a decision. I knew I wanted to play piano - so I asked for lessons. I knew I needed to switch high schools because the one I was at was slowly going down the toilet. I knew I wanted to go to college - I didn't let anyone read my application essay - I got in everywhere I had wanted to. I wanted to run - I knew when it was time to stop running competitively. I just seemed to see the next step. It was all just so natural.
Right now I am not that person. I am staring over the edge of the "infinite abyss" (I love Garden State), and I see no steps. No actions to take. I am lost. After about a month of simmering with the thought - I have decided to try to end my program here at a Masters. Why - when I can most surely stick around to get the doctorate? The most obvious is that I can not and do not want to be living a life for the next year or so filled with back and forth plane flights to see Andrew. It hurts. I am living less than that right now and I feel pain all the time. But what I feel that maybe even trumps that - is the simple fact that I lack any and all curiosity in math. Something has beaten it out of me. You can not be in a environment like this and expect to do well without some sort of inquisitiveness about the subject. Right now I seem to be holding it together from sheer will to not have wasted all of this time. I refuse to walk away from this situation not having accomplished anything.
But this is not the only thing. You might say *as I say to myself quite often* - but you have so many things to look forward to. Now you will have a master's and you have this wedding to plan. Big huge steps right? Yes, in a sense, but I still feel like I am lacking that next step. Maybe if I say it like - I love the fact that Andrew and I have decided to "take the plunge" - but I am trying very hard to not let that be the only way I define myself. I need a step that is mine. I have pondered maybe applying for a physics, or mathematical sciences program - but I stop myself. I would not want to lose that curiosity as well - nor do I think I can deal with another round of graduate school stress. I thought about possibly riding out the time in El Paso by getting teacher certification (high school physics and math?). But I am not sure. I don't really know what other sort of job I would hold. Mind you I need a job. Andrew has said on several occasions that it would be okay - if I didn't want to work for a while. It's a great gesture and I really appreciate it - but I need something to occupy my time. Sitting at home with no work on the weekend is great - but everyday I might just go insane.
So I think that was it. I probably should have just waited to write this entry and not written the one before - but I needed a tiny little outlet.
Life steps for the moment: Make it through this semester unscathed. Get to see Andy over winter break. Spend spring semester working on thesis and wedding. Get married. Move to El Paso? Then who knows what - I don't want to stay lost for long because then my anxieties about money will start kicking in and that...that my friends will be bad.
I have been meaning to write an entry lately. I just have not been able to bring myself to fleshing out the details. If I write all of this out - then it seems final, no more debating or wavering. I know I need to be firm. I need to put my foot down. Right now I don't have the stomach to do it. Maybe this weekend I will fill-in the blanks here. And then, then it will really be happening.
A brief interlude
:::::Semi-happy dance:::::
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
Issue(s)
1. Teaching a class and taking classes has become a major pain in my behind. For some crazy reason I can not find enough "bouncy-happy" math enthusiasm to make it through my morning teaching and be semi-interested in my classes. My classes are interesting - don't get me wrong - but after 5 minutes in I am bored out of my mind and am desperately trying to keep my attention focused. And it isn't like there is super amounts of work - I just thought maybe after my quals life would get a bit easier - but the problem sets just seem sooo out there.
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
Returned
I have successfully managed to get my internet situation all worked out. We will glaze over the fact that I have been inadvertantly (probably more like advertantly) accessing a not password protected wireless network for the past year - and jump to the fact that I feel like an adult for having done this all myself - outside of several rantings to the parents about the insanity of it all.
The whole situation made me feel really disconnected from everything - work that needed to be accomplished online for my classes (not that I really enjoy assigning work online for my students but alas), communication with Andrew, paying bills, wedding planning (yes i do a lot of legwork by checking information out on line), general email, accessing news (yes i have a perfectly good television - but I'm not a fan of news bias), my favorite checking the weather (which should be easy seeing as a have a perfectly good balcony to step out onto). I also felt like I lacked some sort of basic human knowledge on how to lead my life without the gateway of the internet.
I believe what made all of this seem even more out of proportion is the fact that this week was the first full week of classes - I had so many little tasks to get done - I was exhausted by Monday afternoon. What's worse - to use the internet I needed to be in my office at school - and yeah offices are great - but they are in no way comfortable. I feel like I was on the verge of becoming sick from stress and overworking myself. I think that I have calmed down. At the very least this weekend is a long weekend and I should be able to relax.
Sad note: This week two very very close people have decided to put their pets to sleep. Both pets lived long lives - about 17 years in each case. It makes me think about Kona - and even though I'm not there - what a wonderful dog he is. That throughout high school - I would wake up early and he would sit in my lap and watch some silly cartoons before I had to head out. That when I would have the house to myself for a couple of days - Kona always made it a point to fall asleep in my room so I wasn't by myself (not to mention make sure i got up at the crack of dawn by jingling his collar and jumping onto my bed). Pets are so wonderful like that. They make you feel like you are a part of something - or a Cesar Millan would say - part of the "pack" and being part of the pack is all you needed.
The whole situation made me feel really disconnected from everything - work that needed to be accomplished online for my classes (not that I really enjoy assigning work online for my students but alas), communication with Andrew, paying bills, wedding planning (yes i do a lot of legwork by checking information out on line), general email, accessing news (yes i have a perfectly good television - but I'm not a fan of news bias), my favorite checking the weather (which should be easy seeing as a have a perfectly good balcony to step out onto). I also felt like I lacked some sort of basic human knowledge on how to lead my life without the gateway of the internet.
I believe what made all of this seem even more out of proportion is the fact that this week was the first full week of classes - I had so many little tasks to get done - I was exhausted by Monday afternoon. What's worse - to use the internet I needed to be in my office at school - and yeah offices are great - but they are in no way comfortable. I feel like I was on the verge of becoming sick from stress and overworking myself. I think that I have calmed down. At the very least this weekend is a long weekend and I should be able to relax.
Sad note: This week two very very close people have decided to put their pets to sleep. Both pets lived long lives - about 17 years in each case. It makes me think about Kona - and even though I'm not there - what a wonderful dog he is. That throughout high school - I would wake up early and he would sit in my lap and watch some silly cartoons before I had to head out. That when I would have the house to myself for a couple of days - Kona always made it a point to fall asleep in my room so I wasn't by myself (not to mention make sure i got up at the crack of dawn by jingling his collar and jumping onto my bed). Pets are so wonderful like that. They make you feel like you are a part of something - or a Cesar Millan would say - part of the "pack" and being part of the pack is all you needed.
Best First Day of School....EVER!
This is my phrase for the day.
This summer has been grueling. Not relaxing, not super fun, but annoyingly filled with work. Last week I took both the Algebra and the Analysis Qualifying exams. The Algebra exam was a bit harder than I thought - but doable if I didn't have a mental road block the size of Texas hanging around my brain. The Analysis exam must have been a god-send for me. The questions were exactly the questions that were on the exams for the semester. It was good then that I had spent a bunch of time on the exams we had done in class.
But still everything this summer has been unsure.
I taught my first class today - an intensive basic algebra course. Forty students. I have felt overwhelmed the past two days with the amount of prep work I felt I needed to do. But that feeling has somewhat washed over me - if I just spend a bit of time early in the semester getting all of this planned out - the course will seem like a non-issue at the end of the semester. I think it will be a good group - but that is just my initial impressions.
When I returned from teaching - I had heard that the qualifying exam results were in. Almost everyone had checked to find out how they did. So I traipsed up the stairs to my mailbox. My mailbox is one of the top-most boxes, so I slowly slid the envelope towards me. I held onto the envelope and walked back downstairs to my office. I opened the letter. First glance - crap there is like nothing at all written in the letter I must have failed. Second glance - "your performance on the blah blah blah exam"..."so we have decided to recommend you"...Third glance - "congratulations on this milestone" What??!?!?! It wasn't until the 4th reading of this tiny letter that it sunk in - I have PHD passed the qualifying exams and I am officially part of the PHD program here at SC.
Now this brings up a lot of decisions - particularly life decisions. I don't know all the possible options I have to complete this doctorate - that is if I still want to. It is quite an ego boost to see that these people believe I have some sort of mathematical ability. The Sparacio theorem is still very tempting to me. But I need to really think this through.
I also had graph theory and fourier analysis today - both of which turned out to be halfway decent and I managed to finish up my work for those classes. It is very satisfying.
Anyway - I am tired from worrying and hungry from a long day. So I might just sign off.
This summer has been grueling. Not relaxing, not super fun, but annoyingly filled with work. Last week I took both the Algebra and the Analysis Qualifying exams. The Algebra exam was a bit harder than I thought - but doable if I didn't have a mental road block the size of Texas hanging around my brain. The Analysis exam must have been a god-send for me. The questions were exactly the questions that were on the exams for the semester. It was good then that I had spent a bunch of time on the exams we had done in class.
But still everything this summer has been unsure.
I taught my first class today - an intensive basic algebra course. Forty students. I have felt overwhelmed the past two days with the amount of prep work I felt I needed to do. But that feeling has somewhat washed over me - if I just spend a bit of time early in the semester getting all of this planned out - the course will seem like a non-issue at the end of the semester. I think it will be a good group - but that is just my initial impressions.
When I returned from teaching - I had heard that the qualifying exam results were in. Almost everyone had checked to find out how they did. So I traipsed up the stairs to my mailbox. My mailbox is one of the top-most boxes, so I slowly slid the envelope towards me. I held onto the envelope and walked back downstairs to my office. I opened the letter. First glance - crap there is like nothing at all written in the letter I must have failed. Second glance - "your performance on the blah blah blah exam"..."so we have decided to recommend you"...Third glance - "congratulations on this milestone" What??!?!?! It wasn't until the 4th reading of this tiny letter that it sunk in - I have PHD passed the qualifying exams and I am officially part of the PHD program here at SC.
Now this brings up a lot of decisions - particularly life decisions. I don't know all the possible options I have to complete this doctorate - that is if I still want to. It is quite an ego boost to see that these people believe I have some sort of mathematical ability. The Sparacio theorem is still very tempting to me. But I need to really think this through.
I also had graph theory and fourier analysis today - both of which turned out to be halfway decent and I managed to finish up my work for those classes. It is very satisfying.
Anyway - I am tired from worrying and hungry from a long day. So I might just sign off.
Holy Metal Batman!!!
Oh this has nothing to do with Batman - although lately I have seen Christian Bale a number of times when I have had the opportunity to turn on my tv.
MONKEY!!!
This story by far has been the most amusing thing I have read over the past couple of weeks.
But in less than 10 days - I most likely will have completed my qualifying exams. I will be free to relax for a total of 6 days (yeah right!) before classes begin for the fall.
Who's totally excited?!?!?!
not me.
MONKEY!!!
This story by far has been the most amusing thing I have read over the past couple of weeks.
But in less than 10 days - I most likely will have completed my qualifying exams. I will be free to relax for a total of 6 days (yeah right!) before classes begin for the fall.
Who's totally excited?!?!?!
not me.
Studying bites...
I just figured I would let everyone know that in the next few days Andrew is moving to yet another place in Iraq. So if you have been sending him little notes - I have a new address for you. Just drop me a line and I'll pass it along to you.
Studying bites the big one. I don't understand the need for this - two daylong events to muddle the brain thoroughly. I did manage to pass all 4 classes on which this material will be comprised - why if I had to take a final for all 4 of these, do I need to take more exams on it?
Blech. I'll stop complaining now. I'll just continue to feel grossly inadequate for the next two and a half weeks.
Studying bites the big one. I don't understand the need for this - two daylong events to muddle the brain thoroughly. I did manage to pass all 4 classes on which this material will be comprised - why if I had to take a final for all 4 of these, do I need to take more exams on it?
Blech. I'll stop complaining now. I'll just continue to feel grossly inadequate for the next two and a half weeks.
What's Due...
Well - surprisingly...or maybe unsurprisingly - it seems like I have managed to be quite busy and productive over the past couple of weeks.
In math news - I believe although I have not confirmed (since I still have a few more problems to go) that I am pretty much done with all the Algebra (Linear and Numerical) studying. For some reason - it seems to come somewhat easily. Maybe the classes were taught really well - who knows. I just feel like I have a really good foundation in it. So what does this mean? It means for the next 2 weeks or so, I need to work on Analysis. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil. No - I'd rather write a 20 page paper on, I don't know, the effect of Velcro on society. Yes, it is indeed that bad. But if I can muddle my way through two semesters of it alright - then maybe just maybe I can muddle through this as well.
In wedding news - My mom was supposed to fly down for a weekend of fun dress shopping. Her flight ot cancelled. So instead my mom and dad decided to drive down to visit for the weekend. I went out dress shopping with Mom, Amanda, her mom, and Mrs. Sawyer (Amanda's soon to be mother-in-law) in the Charlotte area for the day. We both found our dresses and bridesmaid dresses. What I suppose is the funny thing - is that the dresses we both loved - were right here in Columbia. My bridesmaid dresses are here too. It turns out great because I won't have to spend half a day - if I need to get alterations done or anything like that. I think I have pretty much found my photographer, I just need to contact her. I think I may also have the florist in the bag as well. All I need is the DJ. What I feel bad about is the fact that - they (the DJ's) keep calling my home in Jersey. So my parents try to tell them that I am in South Carolina in graduate school at the moment - this is apparently not an acceptable answer. She won't be back in New Jersey until October - still no good. So I think just to get them all off of my parents back - I will need to pick one - and soon. The end of May is prom season - big time for DJs - and I want a good one. If I can manage that - then I think I am home clear for a little while.
In NOT my wedding news - well, most of the group of friends I made here in Columbia is all engaged. Next summer is going to be quite a busy time for me. But it will be really fun. For the upcoming November wedding I am in - there was what one would call a huge argument leading to falling out in the bridal party. So there was lots of drama going on. But it seems to have died down now. I picked up a nice gift for the bridal shower, and prizes for some games we are playing (yes the drama was about these little games and favors - yet for some reason, I, the person in charge of obtaining said prizes and favors, did not start any of the drama).
In Harry Potter news - I went to the midnight showing of Order of the Phoenix. For some reason, I just did not enjoy it - could have been the movie itself, or it could have just been the really annoying audience. I'd like to give the movie a second chance but I have no idea when I will have a chance to see it. I hope it comes out soon on DVD. I spent most of yesterday reading the Deathly Hallows. I think what may be more impressive is that this weekend I completed about 15-20 Numerical problems and read all of the Harry Potter book. Yes, it was a bit quick. But prior to this I was only half way through book 5. So I will continue on through 5, finish six, and then slowly read 7 again. Because I really wanted to find out how it ended and knew that if I read it while studying for the quals - it would take me until August to finish the book. That would just be unacceptable. I've heard that some people are unhappy with it - oh well. I enjoyed it - and I suppose that is all that counts right? I think though that I might go through some withdrawl now. I'll need to find some other series to get hooked on. I hear the next good book is by Roderick Gordon called Tunnels. I believe it is out in the UK but won't be in the US until next year - see if I can get my hands on a UK version of it. I guess too that I am still waiting for the third installment in Eragon and Eldest.
In me news - 15 days of leave is the biggest tease the army could have ever thought of. Jerks. I feel almost exactly like when Andy first left in November. It is starting to wear down a bit - but that just might be the fact that I'm getting really nervous about these stupid tests.
Update you all when I can.
In math news - I believe although I have not confirmed (since I still have a few more problems to go) that I am pretty much done with all the Algebra (Linear and Numerical) studying. For some reason - it seems to come somewhat easily. Maybe the classes were taught really well - who knows. I just feel like I have a really good foundation in it. So what does this mean? It means for the next 2 weeks or so, I need to work on Analysis. I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil. No - I'd rather write a 20 page paper on, I don't know, the effect of Velcro on society. Yes, it is indeed that bad. But if I can muddle my way through two semesters of it alright - then maybe just maybe I can muddle through this as well.
In wedding news - My mom was supposed to fly down for a weekend of fun dress shopping. Her flight ot cancelled. So instead my mom and dad decided to drive down to visit for the weekend. I went out dress shopping with Mom, Amanda, her mom, and Mrs. Sawyer (Amanda's soon to be mother-in-law) in the Charlotte area for the day. We both found our dresses and bridesmaid dresses. What I suppose is the funny thing - is that the dresses we both loved - were right here in Columbia. My bridesmaid dresses are here too. It turns out great because I won't have to spend half a day - if I need to get alterations done or anything like that. I think I have pretty much found my photographer, I just need to contact her. I think I may also have the florist in the bag as well. All I need is the DJ. What I feel bad about is the fact that - they (the DJ's) keep calling my home in Jersey. So my parents try to tell them that I am in South Carolina in graduate school at the moment - this is apparently not an acceptable answer. She won't be back in New Jersey until October - still no good. So I think just to get them all off of my parents back - I will need to pick one - and soon. The end of May is prom season - big time for DJs - and I want a good one. If I can manage that - then I think I am home clear for a little while.
In NOT my wedding news - well, most of the group of friends I made here in Columbia is all engaged. Next summer is going to be quite a busy time for me. But it will be really fun. For the upcoming November wedding I am in - there was what one would call a huge argument leading to falling out in the bridal party. So there was lots of drama going on. But it seems to have died down now. I picked up a nice gift for the bridal shower, and prizes for some games we are playing (yes the drama was about these little games and favors - yet for some reason, I, the person in charge of obtaining said prizes and favors, did not start any of the drama).
In Harry Potter news - I went to the midnight showing of Order of the Phoenix. For some reason, I just did not enjoy it - could have been the movie itself, or it could have just been the really annoying audience. I'd like to give the movie a second chance but I have no idea when I will have a chance to see it. I hope it comes out soon on DVD. I spent most of yesterday reading the Deathly Hallows. I think what may be more impressive is that this weekend I completed about 15-20 Numerical problems and read all of the Harry Potter book. Yes, it was a bit quick. But prior to this I was only half way through book 5. So I will continue on through 5, finish six, and then slowly read 7 again. Because I really wanted to find out how it ended and knew that if I read it while studying for the quals - it would take me until August to finish the book. That would just be unacceptable. I've heard that some people are unhappy with it - oh well. I enjoyed it - and I suppose that is all that counts right? I think though that I might go through some withdrawl now. I'll need to find some other series to get hooked on. I hear the next good book is by Roderick Gordon called Tunnels. I believe it is out in the UK but won't be in the US until next year - see if I can get my hands on a UK version of it. I guess too that I am still waiting for the third installment in Eragon and Eldest.
In me news - 15 days of leave is the biggest tease the army could have ever thought of. Jerks. I feel almost exactly like when Andy first left in November. It is starting to wear down a bit - but that just might be the fact that I'm getting really nervous about these stupid tests.
Update you all when I can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)