1 year
12 months
52 weeks
365 days
8,760 hours
525,600 minutes
If I really wanted to be dramatic, I would multiply the 525,600 by 60 to find out how many seconds. Ehh, that would be overkill. Tomorrow marks one whole year of having to deal with time zone issues, scheduling phone calls, crazy emails, sending packages, having calls cut out, and more. I almost would like to celebrate it - make a nice fancy schmancy dinner, dress up, do something special- the exact opposite of my less-than-noteworthy graduate student life. I would like to celebrate it - but there is only one person who I want to celebrate it with (he is still "over there" :::as I point aimlessly:::). I suppose the upside is that in just over a month this will be over and done with. Mind you it will be an absolutely crazy month - but only 1 to have to deal with.
Just need to keep focused and productive. Keep the eye on the prize - finish this crazy semester without putting myself in panic mode, don't skimp out on my teaching (there isn't that much more to cover), and enjoy what will be a festive Thanksgiving/wedding weekend.
Side note: I plan on doing laundry tomorrow evening in case you were wondering. Very classy - can't you tell?
Winter Wish List
I feel like it has been forever since I have actually had a list of wants that coincided with the upcoming holiday season. This is not a cry for people to get me anything, they just happen to be things I have my eye one and maybe someday - preferably in the near future as opposed to the much much later future - I will get my hands on them:
1. Mac OS X Leopard for my laptop. boy that would be happy - not that my laptop isn't great to begin with, but you know how it is.
2. External hard drive. I suppose this is more practical than anything else. I would feel better if I could back up my files - music, videos, photos, oh not to forget about all that math work I have done.
3. Iphone - I can't reconcile the cost at the moment but maybe someday. Not to mention the ATT plan is somewhat expensive. I am waiting to see if Apple will either come out with a bigger drive or drop the price again for the holidays.
4. Dance Dance Revolution for Wii. Really the only other game I want outside of maybe the Big Brain Academy. (yes I know I am a dork.)
5. Third season of Grey's Anatomy and Numb3rs.
6. I think I got hooked on a makeup line. Yeah awful isn't it? I want to find some nice eye shadows/blushes/lip gloss (I don't really do lipstick), although I don't wear them too often.
Finite randomness.
1. Mac OS X Leopard for my laptop. boy that would be happy - not that my laptop isn't great to begin with, but you know how it is.
2. External hard drive. I suppose this is more practical than anything else. I would feel better if I could back up my files - music, videos, photos, oh not to forget about all that math work I have done.
3. Iphone - I can't reconcile the cost at the moment but maybe someday. Not to mention the ATT plan is somewhat expensive. I am waiting to see if Apple will either come out with a bigger drive or drop the price again for the holidays.
4. Dance Dance Revolution for Wii. Really the only other game I want outside of maybe the Big Brain Academy. (yes I know I am a dork.)
5. Third season of Grey's Anatomy and Numb3rs.
6. I think I got hooked on a makeup line. Yeah awful isn't it? I want to find some nice eye shadows/blushes/lip gloss (I don't really do lipstick), although I don't wear them too often.
Finite randomness.
Countdown Commencing
I have a bought a ticket. December 18, 2007 I will be making my way to El Paso, TX. Only 64 more days!! Keep your fingers crossed everyone that I don't have to push that ticket back any farther.
I apologize in advance that I won't get to see anyone over the winter break. I plan on spending most of it with Andrew. I know El Paso seems an odd place to spend the holidays but hopefully it won't be.
Just felt like sharing.
More depressing news - my apartment is so quiet it is freaking me out. Not that I don't mind the fact that my neighbors are being good. Hurray for no thumping music. It just isn't busy like home is. Oh well. I still have not gotten any good amount of math done - now that I'm thinking about it - I should probably do that.
I apologize in advance that I won't get to see anyone over the winter break. I plan on spending most of it with Andrew. I know El Paso seems an odd place to spend the holidays but hopefully it won't be.
Just felt like sharing.
More depressing news - my apartment is so quiet it is freaking me out. Not that I don't mind the fact that my neighbors are being good. Hurray for no thumping music. It just isn't busy like home is. Oh well. I still have not gotten any good amount of math done - now that I'm thinking about it - I should probably do that.
Wedding checklist
Despite not having completed my Graph theory work or studied one ounce of Applied Math this weekend - I managed to get a lot accomplished while I was back home in Jersey.
Done: have a date, the church, reception hall, photographer, florist, dj, limo service, bridal party, my dress, the ladies' dresses ordered, oh yeah not to forget the fiancee as well.
Now if I could just figure out the sort of invitation I want - I had one in mind, and then I saw the plethora of colors/ papers/ inks that I could do - yeah right down the tube. But outside of that, only little things are left to tackle - but I don't think they need to be tackled until next year. Good too, because if this distracts me anymore - I might just not finish school in time.
Random journey - I made my way into the Sephora store in the mall - ooo I could have been there all day - but I had them do a quick foundation set up for my face and I really liked it. I might go all girly on makeup soon. Someone stop me if it becomes an obsession.
Ack it's late - I should sleep so I don't freak out on students tomorrow.
Done: have a date, the church, reception hall, photographer, florist, dj, limo service, bridal party, my dress, the ladies' dresses ordered, oh yeah not to forget the fiancee as well.
Now if I could just figure out the sort of invitation I want - I had one in mind, and then I saw the plethora of colors/ papers/ inks that I could do - yeah right down the tube. But outside of that, only little things are left to tackle - but I don't think they need to be tackled until next year. Good too, because if this distracts me anymore - I might just not finish school in time.
Random journey - I made my way into the Sephora store in the mall - ooo I could have been there all day - but I had them do a quick foundation set up for my face and I really liked it. I might go all girly on makeup soon. Someone stop me if it becomes an obsession.
Ack it's late - I should sleep so I don't freak out on students tomorrow.
Semi-Amused
I downloaded a program a few days ago called Yum. It's a very simple program. I'm guessing from the title you can figure out what it is. It is a recipe program. I guess it is the 21st century solution to having one of those metal boxes filled with recipe cards. Mind you - Yum is free, so it doesn't do anything fancy schmancy.
But I must sing it's praises. I typed in all of my favorite recipes (Sue me - I have like 30 total - I just haven't had the time in grad school to really get to experiment). I don't have to go searching through all of my cookbooks now to find "that" recipe - you know the one with the stuff - from that book. I can put the recipes into categories and also cross reference them - you know like they cross reference books in the library. So when I look for chicken soup I can find it under Chicken recipes or Soups. Even cooler- I get to choose the categories to be whatever my crazy head comes up with. Say you want to make sure you had ingredients for a couple of recipes during the week - you can select the recipes and then print out a shopping list of the necessary ingredients. Very snazzy. My favorite aspect - which I hope to put to use soon, suppose you are in the kitchen. Me - I am constantly moving around - and constantly moving the sheets I have the recipe on too. So I get a tad lost about halfway through my cooking. The program lets you blow up your recipe card like a huge powerpoint presentation on your screen (you know 48 size font) and scroll through the steps without me losing the recipe card or having to squint to read the words - or have to figure out how far I am into the recipe.
So I am amused by it all - and am still looking to add to my new computerized cookbook database. But it is all happening slowly - silly school getting in the way of fun things.
Chat more later. It's late and past my bed time.
But I must sing it's praises. I typed in all of my favorite recipes (Sue me - I have like 30 total - I just haven't had the time in grad school to really get to experiment). I don't have to go searching through all of my cookbooks now to find "that" recipe - you know the one with the stuff - from that book. I can put the recipes into categories and also cross reference them - you know like they cross reference books in the library. So when I look for chicken soup I can find it under Chicken recipes or Soups. Even cooler- I get to choose the categories to be whatever my crazy head comes up with. Say you want to make sure you had ingredients for a couple of recipes during the week - you can select the recipes and then print out a shopping list of the necessary ingredients. Very snazzy. My favorite aspect - which I hope to put to use soon, suppose you are in the kitchen. Me - I am constantly moving around - and constantly moving the sheets I have the recipe on too. So I get a tad lost about halfway through my cooking. The program lets you blow up your recipe card like a huge powerpoint presentation on your screen (you know 48 size font) and scroll through the steps without me losing the recipe card or having to squint to read the words - or have to figure out how far I am into the recipe.
So I am amused by it all - and am still looking to add to my new computerized cookbook database. But it is all happening slowly - silly school getting in the way of fun things.
Chat more later. It's late and past my bed time.
Lost
My explanation for my last post. *First I didn't realize people were such big internet stalkers as I am - I wasn't expecting the comments for a couple of days or something like that.*
Writing here as always been therapeutic. I know I am not the most amazing writer but I don't think it matters much if I am trying to get rid of the random thoughts that just seem to fill up my head. It seems to just bring a bit of closure to any sort of situation that I have gone through.
I am a person who knows what my next step will be. I think I have been like this for a very long time. Even when I was younger my parents would ask me about switching schools. After a few days I would sit down and talk to them about a decision. I knew I wanted to play piano - so I asked for lessons. I knew I needed to switch high schools because the one I was at was slowly going down the toilet. I knew I wanted to go to college - I didn't let anyone read my application essay - I got in everywhere I had wanted to. I wanted to run - I knew when it was time to stop running competitively. I just seemed to see the next step. It was all just so natural.
Right now I am not that person. I am staring over the edge of the "infinite abyss" (I love Garden State), and I see no steps. No actions to take. I am lost. After about a month of simmering with the thought - I have decided to try to end my program here at a Masters. Why - when I can most surely stick around to get the doctorate? The most obvious is that I can not and do not want to be living a life for the next year or so filled with back and forth plane flights to see Andrew. It hurts. I am living less than that right now and I feel pain all the time. But what I feel that maybe even trumps that - is the simple fact that I lack any and all curiosity in math. Something has beaten it out of me. You can not be in a environment like this and expect to do well without some sort of inquisitiveness about the subject. Right now I seem to be holding it together from sheer will to not have wasted all of this time. I refuse to walk away from this situation not having accomplished anything.
But this is not the only thing. You might say *as I say to myself quite often* - but you have so many things to look forward to. Now you will have a master's and you have this wedding to plan. Big huge steps right? Yes, in a sense, but I still feel like I am lacking that next step. Maybe if I say it like - I love the fact that Andrew and I have decided to "take the plunge" - but I am trying very hard to not let that be the only way I define myself. I need a step that is mine. I have pondered maybe applying for a physics, or mathematical sciences program - but I stop myself. I would not want to lose that curiosity as well - nor do I think I can deal with another round of graduate school stress. I thought about possibly riding out the time in El Paso by getting teacher certification (high school physics and math?). But I am not sure. I don't really know what other sort of job I would hold. Mind you I need a job. Andrew has said on several occasions that it would be okay - if I didn't want to work for a while. It's a great gesture and I really appreciate it - but I need something to occupy my time. Sitting at home with no work on the weekend is great - but everyday I might just go insane.
So I think that was it. I probably should have just waited to write this entry and not written the one before - but I needed a tiny little outlet.
Life steps for the moment: Make it through this semester unscathed. Get to see Andy over winter break. Spend spring semester working on thesis and wedding. Get married. Move to El Paso? Then who knows what - I don't want to stay lost for long because then my anxieties about money will start kicking in and that...that my friends will be bad.
Writing here as always been therapeutic. I know I am not the most amazing writer but I don't think it matters much if I am trying to get rid of the random thoughts that just seem to fill up my head. It seems to just bring a bit of closure to any sort of situation that I have gone through.
I am a person who knows what my next step will be. I think I have been like this for a very long time. Even when I was younger my parents would ask me about switching schools. After a few days I would sit down and talk to them about a decision. I knew I wanted to play piano - so I asked for lessons. I knew I needed to switch high schools because the one I was at was slowly going down the toilet. I knew I wanted to go to college - I didn't let anyone read my application essay - I got in everywhere I had wanted to. I wanted to run - I knew when it was time to stop running competitively. I just seemed to see the next step. It was all just so natural.
Right now I am not that person. I am staring over the edge of the "infinite abyss" (I love Garden State), and I see no steps. No actions to take. I am lost. After about a month of simmering with the thought - I have decided to try to end my program here at a Masters. Why - when I can most surely stick around to get the doctorate? The most obvious is that I can not and do not want to be living a life for the next year or so filled with back and forth plane flights to see Andrew. It hurts. I am living less than that right now and I feel pain all the time. But what I feel that maybe even trumps that - is the simple fact that I lack any and all curiosity in math. Something has beaten it out of me. You can not be in a environment like this and expect to do well without some sort of inquisitiveness about the subject. Right now I seem to be holding it together from sheer will to not have wasted all of this time. I refuse to walk away from this situation not having accomplished anything.
But this is not the only thing. You might say *as I say to myself quite often* - but you have so many things to look forward to. Now you will have a master's and you have this wedding to plan. Big huge steps right? Yes, in a sense, but I still feel like I am lacking that next step. Maybe if I say it like - I love the fact that Andrew and I have decided to "take the plunge" - but I am trying very hard to not let that be the only way I define myself. I need a step that is mine. I have pondered maybe applying for a physics, or mathematical sciences program - but I stop myself. I would not want to lose that curiosity as well - nor do I think I can deal with another round of graduate school stress. I thought about possibly riding out the time in El Paso by getting teacher certification (high school physics and math?). But I am not sure. I don't really know what other sort of job I would hold. Mind you I need a job. Andrew has said on several occasions that it would be okay - if I didn't want to work for a while. It's a great gesture and I really appreciate it - but I need something to occupy my time. Sitting at home with no work on the weekend is great - but everyday I might just go insane.
So I think that was it. I probably should have just waited to write this entry and not written the one before - but I needed a tiny little outlet.
Life steps for the moment: Make it through this semester unscathed. Get to see Andy over winter break. Spend spring semester working on thesis and wedding. Get married. Move to El Paso? Then who knows what - I don't want to stay lost for long because then my anxieties about money will start kicking in and that...that my friends will be bad.
I have been meaning to write an entry lately. I just have not been able to bring myself to fleshing out the details. If I write all of this out - then it seems final, no more debating or wavering. I know I need to be firm. I need to put my foot down. Right now I don't have the stomach to do it. Maybe this weekend I will fill-in the blanks here. And then, then it will really be happening.
A brief interlude
:::::Semi-happy dance:::::
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
My wedding dress is in at the bridal shop. I'm excited. I'm going to go Friday in the morning to try it on - and buy the necessary footwear and maybe a veil.
insert high-pitched squealing noise here
enter math work
sad face :o(
Issue(s)
1. Teaching a class and taking classes has become a major pain in my behind. For some crazy reason I can not find enough "bouncy-happy" math enthusiasm to make it through my morning teaching and be semi-interested in my classes. My classes are interesting - don't get me wrong - but after 5 minutes in I am bored out of my mind and am desperately trying to keep my attention focused. And it isn't like there is super amounts of work - I just thought maybe after my quals life would get a bit easier - but the problem sets just seem sooo out there.
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
2. I don't know what to do with my life - or with Andy's. Do I want to stay in the program here? Do I want to get out? Does Andy want to stay in the army or get out? Is there someway to make this work so that neither of us regrets the answers to those questions? For the past year, I have felt so...lacking in skills. I truly felt inadequate and that maybe - just maybe the department would let me slide along to get my masters degree. Fast forward to having nicely typed up letter in my hand - and it is like my mind is in overload. I don't know how to process it. I had successfully talked myself out of the thought that I would be staying here much longer - I am just baffled now. Neither myself or Andy can seem to make a decision - except for the obvious - it needs to work out so that we aren't apart (this is a whole other issue). The army has upsides - pretty stable pay and living situation - even if you move around quite a bit (at least you won't get bored with the scenery). But I hate being in the middle of a downside. Being here at school - in the short term - well my pay stretches just enough for me to live on - two not so much. But in the long run I could probably get myself a sweet job at some university or college in about 3 more school years if you don't include this one. Ugh - all I can say is I wish someone could show me what will happen over the next 5 years in every case and then say this is the best one for you two. I could probably spend an entire entry on this alone - I know Andy and I have spoken about it many a time - but I think this sorta sums it up.
3. I feel a bit homesick - for everything and everyone. I especially miss my Kona puppy - I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. But the best I could do is probably a fish - and it really is not cute if you try to squish your face up against the glass to try to hug and talk to the fish.
4. I am absurdly emotional. Unusual, isn't it? I think I have been this way for the past couple of months. I think Andy's coming home right when I had gotten a hold on it threw me off. I was able to sort of stall all of it while I was studying- kinda. Now I could be reading my 1000 page fourier series book and get set off. Andy's phone calls and emails - yeah I can't have company around after those. I don't understand it. I have never been so consistently agitated. It isn't me - and to be honest it scares the crap out of me. I'm trying to get it under control.
5. Someone mentioned to me that they thought I had lost some weight. Yes, I know most people would say that is a great compliment. No. It means I've let all of the above come to a head - that is, I am so stressed I feel I have no appetite. When I don't have an appetite, I tend to eat very tiny meal portions. So now - I'm stressed about making sure I eat enough and I'm stuck in a bit of a cycle.
Anyone want to magically get rid of some of these for me?
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